So Best Friend* told me that she thought I was strong and brave for writing this blog. I don't feel strong and brave, mostly I feel bruised and fragile and a bit lost and I've realize I'm really really scared, I'm avoiding prayer because what if I go to God and he doesn't like me?
What if all the bad things I learnt about myself and God while growing up are actually true? What if god is disgusted by me, what if he does think i'm a terrible, horrible, selfish, manipulative person? what if he does think I just deserve to go straight to hell, that I am totally unlovable. What if I deserved all the screaming, and viciousness and rejection? What if he thinks what my father did to me is my fault because I'm a bad girl who tempted him? What if hes ashamed and angry with me because I've done nothing with my life except survive it?
And I hate feeling like this, I just want to walk away from it. I thought I was done processing this particular bit of crap, but I'd never worked through the spiritual aspect of it before
It would be so easy to pack everything back up and pretend it isn't there, sew my rib cage back together pretend that me and God still aren't on speaking terms, pretend that I still don't want to be on speaking terms with God, pretend that all the bruising that I didn't realize was still there isn't actually there.
But that wouldn't fix anything because you can't put stuff back in the box, once you get to a certain layer of trauma that needs processing you have to process it or you just get sick. And I really want a relationship with God, I want to have him in my life, I want to feel safe enough to pray to him, to talk to him about everything, to shape my life in a way he thinks is good for me
One of my most awesome friends who I discuss a lot of the deep stuff of my life with sent me a message the other day saying:
I've been thinking about your worry that you're not good enough for God. It strikes me that you've suffered neglect and violence and pain and hardship, much of which was at the hands of people who professed to love Him, and they drove you away from Him. Yet you came back to God of your own accord, lovingly, even though you were scared. From my (admittedly limited) understanding of Christianity, that's like... The fucking pinnacle of what constitutes good enough
And the other Christians in my life keep telling me it will be okay, that God isn't disgusted by me, that he does love me, but it's so hard to believe. And it's so easy to have my parents voices and all the things they told me going round and round my head without interrupting or challenging them. It's so easy to dwell on these messages and memories that make me feel worthless and not good enough for God, rather than other messages and even memories that make me realize maybe I am ok, maybe God does want a relationship with me. Maybe I need to concentrate on those rather than the negative stuff, or even talk back to the negative stuff telling it its wrong. And that's all going to take time and work, and it's going to take longer than I want it to.
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