Repentance: not what I thought it was

So, I thought repentance meant being aware of your sinfulness/worthlessness at all times, that ever feeling like you were good for or at anything, having any self worth or self confidence was a sin and meant you were not repenting properly

 One of the reasons I ditched Christianity was that I couldn't reconcile this with the fact I didn't start healing from a lot of my trauma till I started feeling like I was worth something, till I started feeling like I was a good person and wasn't worthless all the time. Having some sense of self worth, some sense of pride in myself (however shaky it may be sometimes) is a vital component in keeping me as mentally healthy and stable as possible, and I couldn’t reconcile that with a Christianity that said pride was a sin worthy of hell, and that thinking I was anything other than worthless made me a bad christian. (Like seriously, when I was a kid whenever i was pleased with anything Id done it would ensure screaming from my mother about how dare I be proud of anything, I had nothing to be proud of, whatever it was I had done was rubbish anyway, and feeling like that about myself meant I was going to hell)

But I was reading my Gospel chapter today and it was Matthew 3.(The one about John the baptist baptizing Jesus) And it starts

  In those days John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness of Judea, proclaiming, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.”

 I have an NRSV study bible with notes in it and the notes for verse 2 say  that in this context repent means “to change one's mind for the better” I looked around elsewhere and all the various interpretations of repentance, are about turning around, turning towards god, realigning oneself more fully with god. Maybe all the times the bible tells us to repent, maybe that is God saying “leave that behind, this is better”  not God saying “you are terrible and you need to remember that all the time or I won't forgive you”

There's a quote by Maya Angelou that is used a  lot  in secular social justice circles which is  “when you know better, do better”

 Maybe be that's the heart of repentance, learning and acknowledging that something you are doing is not good for you or not good for other people, and  trying to do things that are good for you and other people, turning away from the damaging things and towards the healing things


Maybe  repentance is coming to God and saying “Hey God I kind of failed at being a person there, how can I do it better next time?” and then honestly trying to do it better next time, not because if you don’t it means you will be eternally punished but because it will help you be the best person you can be and will help you be more fully aligned with God